All Posts Tagged ‘suicide attempt


‘Providers willing to share’


This week’s post is by Bart Andrews, a psychologist and the vice president of clinical operations at Behavioral Health Response. He was inspired by the recently released report “The Way Forward” to tell his story. He also wrote his own intro: “He believes that while not every provider with this experience will reach a point where he or she can safely tell their story, it is crucial that more providers speak up to reduce the tremendous prejudice and discrimination that WE have created around mental illness and suicide:”

I am an alcoholic.  I am an addict.  I am a suicide attempt survivor.  Three declarative sentences comprising 14 words.  They weigh heavily on me but not as heavily as they did before I wrote them.

It has taken me 16 years to openly disclose these facts.  And I am much more than these statements.  My life is rich, diverse and rewarding.  These 14 words are just a few of the ones I use to define myself, but they are very important.  They have consequences that, once the words are spoken, I have no control over.

I was an adventurous and reckless adolescent and young adult.  I thrived on risk taking, pushing limits and challenging authority.  I developed a fondness for alcohol and other mood-altering chemicals, and that fondness turned into dependency.  I entered treatment for the first time before my 21st birthday.  I experienced a partial recovery. My life got much better, but many of my, mmmm, peccadillos stayed with me. When I started drinking again at the age of 24, I went full throttle down a path that would almost kill me.

Note that I did not say a path that would almost lead me to killing myself.  I believe suicide is something that happens to someone, just like other types of death happen.  Maybe a subtle distinction, but I think it important enough to repeat: SUICIDE HAPPENS TO PEOPLE.

My trigger for my return to alcohol was not a bad thing, it was a good thing.  I had been accepted to a doctoral psychology program and finally believed I was on a solid path to success.  Only with the relief of achievement did I feel safe enough to resume drinking.  I did not view myself as an alcoholic.  I knew I was a problem drinker but firmly believed this was not a disease but a function of my environment and that with hard-won maturity, wisdom and success, I could drink like everybody else.  I know some of you are laughing at this, and I think it’s funny, too.  Well, at least now I can laugh about it.

Prior to entering graduate school, I was not ashamed or embarrassed about my struggles with drugs and alcohol.  I was open about my struggle, my treatment, my past and my recovery.  I did not hesitate to tell anyone and everyone willing to listen about my past behavior.  I even did a presentation in my undergraduate speech and debate class and told a group of strangers intimate details about my addiction.   I was not nervous and did not fear any consequences.

That changed when I entered graduate school.  I heard the whispered stories: the female student who had suffered “breakdowns” following a divorce and never made it back to the program; the male student experiencing his first psychotic break who was not allowed to continue his training; the alcoholic discovered drinking at work who was removed, never to return.  I was indoctrinated indirectly into an “us vs. them” mentality.  This was not a formal indoctrination; it was not coercive or even planned.  But it was insidious and prevalent.  It was in my professional training that my self-prejudice and discrimination was honed into an instrument of destruction.

This is not an indictment of my training program, which was an amazing experience.  It is an indictment of the field as a whole.  We have created a world of those who provide services and those who receive services, and the twain shall never meet.

It also explains, to a large extent, why it took me so long to disclose.  Following my second episode of treatment, I was told by a professional supervisor that I was not hireable until I had been sober a year.  When I objected, a comparison was made between my coming forward voluntarily about my disease and a psychologist who had been sleeping with his clients.  I had a hard time with this.  Would a provider coming forward about his cancer diagnosis and treatment be compared to a psychologist committing one of the most egregious ethical violations possible?

As these seeds were planted, a tree of secrecy and mistrust grew inside me.  Along with this came shame, self-doubt and fear.  Oh my, yes, lots and lots of fear.  I made a decision then and there that I would never tell anyone about my experiences unless I had no other reasonable choice.  That also meant that when I did attempt suicide, I avoided mental health professionals as if my life depended on it.  I was fortunate to survive.  I was fortunate to have A.A. and peers who understood the prejudice and discrimination.  I was fortunate that they coached me on rigorous honesty and self-preservation. Do not lie, but do not tell anyone anything that can harm you if you do not have to.  This is often the life of an addict and a suicide attempt survivor: TELL NO ONE.

It took me three years in my current professional setting before I openly told another professional that I was an alcoholic, and I would have never dreamed of admitting to addiction to something other than alcohol.  At almost six years in recovery, I applied for licensure to find that the board required me to disclose if I had been chemically addicted or suffered a mental illness requiring treatment in the last five years.  I was relieved at being able to check this box “no” but was seething inside at the question.  Interestingly enough, I did not see myself as a suicide attempt survivor.  Had I attempted suicide? Yes!  Did I think about it, talk about it or acknowledge it?  Never.

It was not until almost 13 years after my attempt that I started to identify myself as an attempt survivor.  I was at a meeting of the board of directors of the National Association of Crisis Organization Directors, and one of my fellow directors disclosed her past struggle with thoughts of suicide.  She just said it.  Out loud.  To others.  Who could hear her.  She did it without shame or fear of rejection.  I love her for that.  There and then, in a hotel in Little Rock, Arkansas, I said to myself, “Me, too. Me, too.”

It was the beginning of my path to tell the world my story, but the path was long and winding.  Each year I would get closer to telling my story, and each year I would get farther away.  There were so many opportunities where it was appropriate, but the words stuck in my mouth, suicide being the peanut butter of self-disclosure.

That changed in July at the SAMHSA offices in Maryland.  While meeting with an amazing group of experts and advocates, I had the pleasure of meeting Dr. DeQuincy Lezine.  He shared some of his own experience and talked about “The Way Forward.”  He talked about the importance of providers being willing to share their stores of mental illness and suicidal thinking.  He talked about the peer movement and its growing vitality but emphasized that a true way forward needs providers willing to share their own experience.  It was then and there that I decided to tell my story.

I was working on a presentation for a statewide conference and would be introducing “The Way Forward.”  I wanted to talk about the importance of honoring “lived experience,” and I was going to honor that by sharing a bit of my own.  But I was scared.  I was afraid it could affect me professionally.  I was afraid it could negatively impact my agency.  I took my fears to Behavioral Health Response’sCEO and my boss, Pat Coleman.  I told her about my attempt history and my past.  I told her about “The Way Forward.”  I told her I wanted to come forward with my story.  I also told her that I did not want to harm our agency and the good work we do.

I will never forget Pat’s warm smile and the words that came out of her mouth: “You cannot hurt BHR with your story. It only makes us stronger.  You need to tell your story.”  And I did.


‘This is the start of it’



Perhaps one of the most important people to “come out” this year about suicidal thinking is Orlando Da Silva, the new head of the Ontario Bar Association. As soon as he took up the post in August, the trial lawyer started speaking openly to the media and others about his own attempt and recovery.

“I was told the Toronto Star report was seen by 2 million people,” he says.

On Friday, the bar association launched a project called Opening Remarks, which aims to put mental health front and center in the legal community. You can watch Orlando’s interview here, and he has started a series of interviews with other legal professionals. The first features the president of the Canadian Bar Association talking about her experience with depression.


‘I am worth living for’


This week’s post is by Linda Meyer, who recently founded a suicide attempt survivor support group as part of her New Jersey-based wellness center, The Support Place. She is a strong supporter of Wellness Recovery Action Plans, or WRAP plans, and with good reason. They are useful in bringing order to a sometimes chaotic experience, they create a network of supporters who can spring into action once certain signs of crisis are noticed, and they are an assertion of a person’s intelligence and control at a time when caregivers risk overlooking them:

There was a time in my mid-forties when my depression became so bad that the only way I thought I could feel better was to just die. I suppose it was a way of controlling the uncontrollable when every emotion and every physical pain left me feeling hopeless. It was very hard for someone like me, who had a lot of hope and was very much in control of my life. I was happily married, raising our seven children, and beginning to work outside the home.


‘Twice as therapeutic’


This week’s post is by Josh Walfish, a recent college graduate who currently is living his dream in North Carolina. He reflects here on the year that has passed since he wrote a column for his student newspaper in the wake of four suicides in one year on campus. He says he is constantly grateful for his wonderful support network and wants to de-stigmatize suicide by starting an honest dialogue about it:

On November 13, 2013, I wrote my best column ever.

I’m a sports reporter, but on this day, sports were irrelevant. The only thing that mattered was that I was alive and able to write my best column ever.

I knew when I began with the words “I shouldn’t be alive” that I was entering dark territory. When only 15 words in I dropped the line “I am a survivor of suicide,” I understood what I was about to endeavor.


‘From a faraway land’


This week’s post is by Emily Routt, who describes herself as a 30-something Catholic who lives in Texas and loves to read, marathon shows on Nexflix and hang out in any combination of coffee shop and bookstore. “As someone who has survived and as someone who works in psych now, I would love to help change how survivors are treated,” she wrote in an email.

“How did I get here? How did things get this bad? Why am I still alive?”

As I lay in the emergency room, this was all I could think. The lights were off, and a nurse was there with me because they were worried I might try to kill myself again. My entire body ached from hours of throwing up, my mind was clouded and all I wanted was sleep, and to be alone.


‘Normalize it a little bit’

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A couple of weeks ago I met Drew Bergman, who came to the New York area to speak at a walk for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. He’s also a regular speaker with the Philadelphia-area group Minding Your Mind, whose young speakers talk openly about mental health issues, including suicidal thinking. The next day, Drew was the keynote at the group’s annual fundraiser, where the video above premiered. You can see the speakers from the three-minute mark on.

Here, Drew talks about how he decided to speak out despite concerns about repercussions, a tech-friendly idea for engaging an audience that’s too nervous to ask questions, and his belief that public speakers can acknowledge that they still have suicidal thinking from time to time.


‘I’ll stand in my truth’

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This week’s post is a conversation with Tim Brown. We were introduced to him by Sally Spencer-Thomas of the Carson J. Spencer Foundation, who has always been thoughtful about pointing out people who speak openly about this. Tim, an entrepreneur and former CEO, spoke at a recent event that Sally organized _ the video is above _ and he’s now releasing a book about his experience:

In my book, I write about the difference between cracked glass and shattered glass and the way they leak at different rates. You think about professional jobs out there and everything tied up in it. There’s the false perception out there that if you’re a doctor, lawyer, etc., they’re not affected by things in their life. But we’re all human, we all have emotions, different perspectives depending on where we are in life’s journey. My goal with my story was never about my story, it was about their story, giving people the perspective that they’re not on an island. They’re worthwhile, worthy, not as hopeless or helpless as they might have thought. At least for me, as my depression got worse, I was isolating myself more. Everyone has a story, and we can all learn from one anther’s perspectives and life experiences.


‘My biggest achievement so far’


This week’s post comes from the UK. Rhiannon Stuart is 28 and describes herself as follows: “Oldest child of four girls, happily engaged to the girl of my dreams. We have two cats & cannot wait until we have a family of our own.” Her past no longer defines her, she says. She’s come too far to go back:

I remember waking up, not knowing where I was. I saw a clock on the wall. It was about 12:30. That’s all I remember before I fell asleep once again. The next time I awoke, the clock said 2:45. I have no idea if only two hours had passed, or 14. I couldn’t move my hands, and something was irritating my nose. I still had no idea where I was. The next time I woke up, I couldn’t see the clock.


‘Laughter … is my way of coping’

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This week’s post comes from the UK, by Kit Johnson, author of the memoir “Dodging Suicide.” His website lays it out well: “I’d been fired more times than a cannon, and with 15 houses, three wives, umpteen messed-up relationships, 37 cars and Lord knows what other ‘if only I had this’ purchases, I came to the conclusion my life was bizarre! – and that the best thing for me was to step back, stop worrying and laugh at its absurdity.”


‘In my work as a peer …’

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This week’s post is by Rafeal Newport, a counselor with the recently launched peer-run warmline of the Mental Health Association of San Francisco. It’s available weekdays from noon to 8 p.m. at 855-845-7415 and online for chat. A directory of warmlines and an introduction to what they do can be found here.

Before I talk about my story of being a suicide attempt survivor, I want to talk a little about who I am. I am a proud Bay Area native, a loud and proud queer and a fierce woman of color. I love to read, hike, hang out at the beach, nerd out on foodie activities and laugh — oh, how I love to laugh. I have been an LGBTQI and women’s activist since I was 16 years old and have worked as a doula, non-profit worker and health educator.