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‘I’m fully engaged now’

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The best way to keep up with happenings between these weekly posts is following us on Twitter at @AboutSuicide. Also, interviews are posted regularly on sister site Talking About Suicide and at the fabulous Live Through This.

This week’s post is by Mary Esther Rohman:

My name is Mary Esther Rohman, and this is my first blog. Someone once stopped me from taking my life by telling me his story, and I was encouraged to start giving back. Much has been given to me.

I am 66 years old, and I am happy. Eleven years ago, I married my soul mate. In January, I retired from a wonderful job I held for 15 years. Life is good. I discovered that sometimes god/higher power/life saves the best for last, so it is really worth it to hang around to see what happens next.

That was something I had to learn for myself.

Thirty  years ago, I decided to stop using alcohol and illegal drugs. I was out of control, and my life, as they say, was unmanageable. But not as unmanageable as it became about a year or so later, when all the pain I had been self-medicating bubbled up.

My life quickly fell apart. I developed a major depression, an eating disorder, self-mutilation and a suicidal streak that kept me in a mental hospital for the better part of a year. My self-hatred was so great I couldn’t relate to other people, I stopped talking and I was convinced I was invisible.

The irony was, I had just finished graduate school and got a Ph.D., a motorcycle and a great job. It didn’t last long. Despite my employer’s understanding and generosity, I had to quit. I went on SSDI, where I remained for about seven years. I had a 100 percent disabled for life classification, and it was only luck that kept me from being locked up in a state hospital for the duration.

All my childhood trauma (I came from a multiple alcoholic family with mental illness, homelessness and drug abuse on the side) came home to roost. I hated myself. I cut myself off from other people entirely. I tried several times to kill myself. I only remember three times, but according to the hospital where my stomach was routinely pumped, there were more.  Several courses of ECT wiped out much of my memory of that time.

What I do remember is the slow, painful process of getting better.

I got a new, young doctor who kept me out of the state hospital. We tried all kinds of drugs, but it was Ritalin that saved my life. It allowed me to talk, and I could then engage in therapy and start dealing with my feelings. I found a counselor who re-parented me. She did for me what my mother never did. When I got married, she helped me pick out my wedding dress.

I tried multiple types of therapy: self-help, behavioral modification, nutrition, as well as psychiatry. But the most important thing was the decision I made to say “yes” to any new opportunity, regardless of how scared I was.

That decision put me in contact with a peer network that really saved my life by teaching me that I was okay just the way I was. That concept was revolutionary, after being the identified problem for 50 years.

The Massachusetts Rehabilitation Commission, my state vocational rehabilitation agency, helped me find a job in their offices. It took several years of being among people with and without disabilities to assure myself that I really wasn’t invisible. And because I worked in an office that helped people with disabilities, people were, for the most part, understanding and encouraging.

I remember sitting on my front porch, on those long, slow days on SSDI, wondering if I’d ever get out of my rocker and have a life. I had to wait until I was in my 50s, but I feel like I’m fully engaged now. I can remember the pain that I could not stop by any means, that drove me to try to take my life, but now when I feel down or afraid, I can talk about it. I have people to talk to. I meditate, I exercise, I go to meetings, I take medication.

I’m high maintenance. But I’m alive, and very happy to be so.

1 Comment so far Join the Conversation

  1. I am so glad to hear your story. It is what I would have wished for my own daughter if she had lived long enough … for her to be happy and not in so much pain. I am so happy to hear a success story.


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